Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
