My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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