I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
