My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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