I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
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i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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