i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
