My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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