I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Terrible idea I love it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
