Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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