Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
