Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
