I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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