A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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