Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think my vagina is haunted
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
