I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
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I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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