Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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