Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
