I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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