If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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