this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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