she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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