turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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