you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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