I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
