So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
40s are totally the cure
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
