Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
