i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
