I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
