just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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