why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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