I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
