Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
