Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
