woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
