I'm sorry my penis didn't work
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
