I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
