He asked to "fluff my boner.."
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
