I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's shark week go big or go home
She made me pour olive oil on her.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
