I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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