I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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