No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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