Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
