Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
