my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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