Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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