I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
