genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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