Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
