It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I intend to get homeless drunk
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
