Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
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She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
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Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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