Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
