She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
its liver damage thursday
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
