Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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