My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
